The 99 Cent Liberal Dogma
Walk In My Shoes


March 26, 2001


As my mother always told me, “There is a silver lining to every dark cloud.”  And, nowhere is this more evident than at the fast food dive-through window.   

Yesterday, during a moment of madness, I decided to grab a quick lunch at the local McDonald’s (who can resist all of those 99 cent specials).  Much to my surprise, there was no line, not a single car at high noon!  Ahh…“hoof and mouth” panic. 

One person’s garbage is another person’s treasure.  If a little “hoof and mouth” can get me through the take-out window in less than sixty seconds, keep it coming baby.   

Fast food is a quirky thing.  Some people are fiercely brand loyal while to others, it’s just fungible “shit on a shingle” (is that catsup or ketchup?).  I am a member of the latter group while most of my Liberal friends (friends?) belong to the former.  Do Liberals really eat something that costs less than $10 and doesn’t contain tofu?  You bet they do…especially because all of the burger wrappers are politically correct recycled garbage. 

That’s the quirky thing about Liberals.  It’s not the contents that matter, but “is it presented in an acceptable package?”  A “thinking” person might refer to this syndrome as being short on substance but tediously long on form. 

Let’s face it, all fast food is theoretically identical…a hunk of pseudo-protein slathered with a mix of condiments, garnished with some feel-good (yet always wilted) vegetablesque product slapped between a well-presented voluminous bun (there’s more of Wonder Bread than Wonder Woman in those buns).  

To some, however, the presentation of the “concept”(burger) is the defining moment of fast food.  In the minds of the faithful, a Quarter Pounder is a trademark.  There are no dimensions, it is monolithic.  This limited choice makes it easy to have a preference (take sides) because some amorphous entity (the fast food chain) has done your thinking for you.   

How Orwellian…you don’t need to think…you can just order Value Meals and Combos by the number.  As a special treat for the Liberals, the experts in “marketing central” present the “Happy Meal”. 

Despite any protestations to the contrary, the Liberals must be tickled red by the advent of fast food.  Who cares about nutrition (as if actual content matters), the menu at the drive-through window is the 99-cent Rosetta Stone of the politically correct dogma.  These are your choices and there is no option for creative input (or enlightening debate).   Just accept it or get out of line (be excluded you conservative persona non grata). 

What a relief it is to abdicate one’s creative impulse to the “experts”.  Why go through the mental gymnastics of learning how to think when it is so much more convenient to just sit back and be taught what to think.  And just in case you don’t have an original idea in your head, you can just blurt out, “…give me the Number 2” and people might think that you “look the part”. 

Oh, I know, this is so judgmental and harsh of me to compare a Value Meal to the Liberal dogma.  What an absolute brute not to accept the limited options of a “closed loop” pseudo-intellectual menu.  “Marketing Central” dictate the choices.  There is little room or tolerance for the individual deviation from “the menu” (who ever seriously believed in originality?). 

“I know that public education is a valuable and integral component of our society, but just maybe I might be able to have some choice in how I reap my tax dollar benefits for the sake of my child’s education…vo…vou…vouchers???” 

“No!!!!  The NEA says that is not a valid option.  It is contrary to the good of the special interests and it might even produce a productive outcome.  Go back to the provided menu and choose again.” 

“I know that a single teenage mother and her child(ren) are a societal responsibility and society needs to make compassionate provisions for their well-being, but isn’t there also a measure of responsibility assumed by the individual who procreates with little or no concerns for the product(s) of their procreation?” 

“No!!!  The State Welfare Complex says that is not a valid option.  The perpetuation of poverty is big money.  Are you trying to ruin the patronage of the Welfare State?  Go back to the provided menu and choose again.” 

“I know that the proliferation of violence in our schools has reached an epidemic proportion, but maybe it’s not the exclusive fault of the Second Amendment (guns), it might have something to do with the First Amendment (entertainment and media).” 

“NO NO NO…Bad boy!!!  What are you trying to do, end the orgy of 24-hour television drivel?  Have you ever heard of ratings and advertising revenue?  Why not blame gun owners for all violence?  They are a no-brainer target.   Go back to the provided menu and choose again.” 

“I know that guns are used in many acts of gratuitous violence, but just maybe it has nothing to do with legal gun owners.  Perhaps the rights of all would be better served by a serious enforcement of the Law.  Could we consider some no-excuse consequences for individuals who illegally prey on society with illegally possessed firearms?”

“*%&#+@…NO!!!  You, my boy, are about to go the way of Moxie.  Are you trying to make somebody with no assets accountable?  Have you ever heard of the Trial Lawyers Association?  Do you know the significance of deep pockets?   Go back to the provided menu and choose again.”

Enough…enough…I can’t take it anymore.  I get the point.  My parents and I wasted a great deal of time and money on my education.  Why learn how to think when somebody (something) has already done my thinking for me.   

What a fool I have been.  Born into the land of Vegas Vacation and I opted for the hard way around the course.  All I had to do is spin the wheel and choose a number…somebody else’s number. 

All of that money and time in school would have better been spent developing my “image”.  If I could only package myself correctly…the “right” clothes, the “right” vehicle, the “right” Hillary-like affectations…things would have been much easier…so much more “correct”.  I never needed to learn right from left.  “Marketing Central” can lead me to the right by pushing me to left. 

Thank God it’s St. Patrick’s Day because anybody who can think this much from just getting a Number 4 for lunch really needs a life (or, better yet, a beer). In the future, I promise to be better.  I will not question so much.  I will try not to think.  But, I was just wondering… 

“Is it correct to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day?  Even Christmas was morphed into the HOLIDAY season.  Doesn’t everybody need a separate holiday on March 17th?  Don’t all of the non-Irish feel excluded?”

“Yes!!!  We just haven’t gotten around to peeing on St. Patrick’s parade yet.  But we will.”


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