“I Want My Maypo”
November 11, 2004
There is no shortage of spoiled brats in the community of liberal elites. These are people who, despite their outward success, are filled with self-loathing. They live outside the norm by their own rules because they never had to live by any others...which is fine, except that they expect everybody to live by those rules. And, when they don’t get their way, they become hysterical, thumb-sucking loonies who don’t understand why society won’t wet-nurse them.
The liberal elites of this country are totalitarian. They avow a belief in free elections only if the outcome suits their playbook. But should that outcome deviate a single degree from their dogmatic grail...they throw down their gloves and leave the field in a huff. In October of 2002, Saddam Hussein believed in democracy when he was re-elected by a 100% margin of victory. Today, he is crying foul. And so it goes with America’s “whine and cheese” crowd.
On Tuesday, November 2nd, the American electorate spoke. By Wednesday, November 3rd, America’s liberal elite unleashed a whine heard ‘round the world.
Thrice-married liberal fiction writer, Jane Smiley immediately dismissed the Bush victory as, “...the decision of the right wing to cultivate and exploit ignorance in the citizenry.” As Smiley sees it, “...red state citizens...are full of original sin and they have a taste for violence.” Funny thing is that I remember liberal CBS “”cultivating ignorance” with forged documents while “Union Goons for Kerry” were forcibly entering and vandalizing Republican campaign offices.
Truth is not a liberal bellwether. Smiley explains that, “The history of the last four years shows that red state types...prefer to be ignorant....they are virtually unteachable.” Of course, all good liberals stereotype everybody from America’s heartland as “ignorant” and “unteachable”. Unlike those from the East and Left coasts, the yokels from the heartland eat meatloaf and shop at Walmart. They even eat carbs!
As reported in the NYT’s, dilettante socialite/producer Beverly Camhe was “disconsolate” after Kerry lost. In a feat of liberal heroics, Camhe managed to simultaneously balance “a large latte” and talk, “Do you know how I described New York to my European friends... New York is an island off the coast of Europe.”
Ms. Camhe goes on to explain that she: “spends many mornings on a bench in Central Park talking politics with homeless people”; “returned to Manhattan to attend an election-night party thrown by Miramax's chairman, Harvey Weinstein, at The Palm”; “was also up much of the night talking to a son in California who was depressed at the election results”; and “Her doorman on Central Park West gave her a consoling hug.” To the NYT’s, this is your average person on the street.
Retired NY psychiatrist Zito Joseph (who is undoubtedly treating himself for paranoia) believes that "Everybody seems to hate us (liberals) these days." Dr. Zito is “saddened by...the obtuseness and shortsightedness of ...the heartland...This kind of redneck...in the heartland."
Listen-up all you hicks at the donut shop...Dr. Zito is speaking from the “Breadsoul Cafe near Lincoln Center”. According to the mad doctor, “New Yorkers are more sophisticated and at a level of consciousness where we realize we have to think of globalization...” With elitist certainty, Dr. Zito concludes that, “"People who are more competitive and proficient...tend to gravitate toward cities.” I guess this makes every hayseed in the agricultural sector not “competitive” and not “proficient”...unless, of course, they are Boxtox-dependent metrosexual commodity traders.
Now I understand why NYT’s columnist Paul Krugman views you red state creatures as the type “of people whose votes are motivated, above all, by...opposition to abortion and gay rights....” Are you getting it? You are just “one bloc of voters, whom the Republican Party has learned to mobilize with wedge issues like this year's polarizing debate over gay marriage.” This generalization is unlike the perceptive assertion of Maureen Dowd that conservatives employ “blatant distortions and character assassination” against liberals.
And speaking of “wedge issues”...what the hell is a “wedge issue”? According to Stanfod University’s Shanto Iyengar, “Wedge issues pit one set of group interests against another.” For instance, a diabolical wedge issue is the Republicans' use of the gay marriage issue. By bringing up the issues of gay marriage and abortion the Republicans are pitting the 80% of the country opposed to both gay marriage and partial birth abortion against the 20% who either favor them or have no opinion. This is an instance where liberals oppose democracy.
It’s curious that a Google search of “wedge issue” produces over 300,000 instances of liberals condemning conservatives over gay marriage and/or abortion, but not a single instance of a liberal labeling Kerry’s position on raising taxes for the “rich” as a wedge issue. Like I previously alluded...liberalism is a religion of convenience and its practitioners are out-of-touch loony brats.
If liberals really want to start winning elections again, a good first start would be to hop a ride on a Mir shuttle and return to planet Earth. Ignoring hysterical and paranoid twits like Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd and Barbra Streisand might also help. Also, never offer your doorman a latte...he would prefer a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. And, above all, stop thinking of Central Park as the heartland and Rodeo Drive as the western frontier.
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